Movin' On Up

Well, I am moving tomorrow. Distance sometimes does wonders for relationship. I'm grateful for the opportunity to gain some perspective on all of this.

I wasn't sure I had the inner resources to do this contractor position that involves relocation, but I'm going to. In a bit of a whirlwind of preparations now. In fact, I'm not sure I have time to find pics to include in this post.

Sorry for the absence of eye candy!

Goal: Address Pattern of Opening My Mail

For the second time since I became aware of these upbringing patterns, I discovered my inspiration-to-empowerment opened my mail. Or maybe it was actually the third time. She thinks since she knew what the mail contained, it is okay that she opened it.

This strikes me as ironic because she's also the sort of person who is very much about following society's rules. There is a rule that says it's illegal to open mail not addressed to you. Oh, the irony.

My goal is to communicate effectively my preference that she not open any mail addressed to me, because that is what I prefer. I don't need justification. I don't need logic. It only matters that I would prefer that my mail remain unopened.

Mission Accomplished

Actually, awesome readers, I just initiated that conversation and expressed my preference. She responded as if my preference was silly because she has not done it very often. That is okay, though, as now she knows it matters to me even if she minimizes it, and because she sees herself as a person who does the right thing, and does what others want, I have a feeling she'll be a bit more mindful about the mail, and therefore less likely to open mail addressed to me.

I'm looking into other sources of income, and I am certainly continuing to make progress. I will continue setting boundaries with her.

Applying Past to Present

I did live away from her once before, for several years. I started that experience by again asserting my preference to live independently - i.e. without what seemed like an overbearing level of involvement in my life. I started the experience by saying for my own development, I did not want to talk at all. It was drastic, but it worked, and I really enjoyed that time.

However, at one point I shifted the preference to say talking was alright, but I did not do a good job of maintaining boundaries. We spoke at least once a day, often more. I don't want to make that same choice this time. I am determined to limit contact, even if she attempts to induce guilt about that.

I'm excited to have this opportunity to live elsewhere for awhile, and to be too busy to speak as often as she would like. I do get the reasons she behaves this way, and I'd enjoy mending the relationship, but for now some distance is just what the doctor ordered.

What Do You Want to Read About?

I intend for my next post to be less personal story blogging and more about a topic that others would value. If readers have topics you'd like me to discuss, please let me know! I read all comments to this blog, and they are moderated, so I'm the only one who sees them unless you intend them for public view.

Empowered Action Steps Taken

• Secured an income opportunity elsewhere
• Communicated initial preference about my mail (will repeat)
• Making space in my head to get clear about additional income steps
• Chose a space to rent that will be conducive to the above reflections

Being in my Power (Suppressing) on Purpose

I have secured a financially lucrative reason to live elsewhere.

*Does a victory dance*

I'm thrilled about it, too. I created it with perfect timing. I've been taking steps to act on my goal of living elsewhere, and I've achieved that goal. On top of that, I am gaining valuable experience in managing stress, as there's so much to do now.

Playing Nice to Support My Goals

One thing I'm not perfectly proud of is the way I have been interacting with my inspiration-to-empowerment. Basically, I'm "playing nice." While I’ve tapped into plenty of assertiveness lately, I’m not speaking up in every situation. But by conscious choice.

Example: She wanted to know which hotel I was staying in, the night before I met my new supervisor. I cringed inside, since this felt like a controlling question. I did not want to answer. But I did not want to make this phase of my life any harder either, so I half-answered.

I plan to act on assertiveness more once I've moved. For now, it is progress to recognize the dynamic, and it was a conscious choice to answer her. I answered after thinking about how I would be making it easier on myself to play nice. Still, I’m not happy about it, and I do plan on speaking up more once I move. Where I go and what I do is my business even if she expects otherwise.

I've wondered if this "playing nice" is confusing the issue. Then again, perhaps it's actually a good idea to minimize conflict until I have more resources to draw from - as cowardly as it might also be, it's also a choice I'm making on purpose. If I didn't have student loans I would explore something like living on a commune. (Readers from similar situations who don't have much financial debt, I would encourage you to consider that kind of option.)

Being Powerful & Competent (Suppressing Emotive Me)

Another thing that I'm not particularly proud of is how I'm handling my emotional side. She's simply not been coming out to play lately. I had a second appointment with a domestic abuse counselor, but I canceled it because I'm moving. The system isn't really set up to help those who experience emotional abuse without physical abuse. Those resources exist, but they are easier to act on if you have health insurance and ample income for working with a therapist.

I've basically put that part of my healing on hold for now, so I can be in the space to act professionally. However, my professional opportunity will likely bring many emotional moments - so I'm viewing that as a chance to retrain my emotional side. Perhaps this income opportunity will open my heart more to other people, and correct for the effects of my early experience.

The System is Changing


Another positive point right now is that my openness and boldness in discussing things with the inspiration-to-empowerment is actually leading to change. She is now very aware that I am STRONGLY determined to succeed as an independent adult, and she is at least creating the impression of honoring that goal.

In short, recent insight about the way I was raised led to a bit of an emotional freakout, and an urgent desire to get away. I was tapping into a sense of being victimized. Now, I am focused on action from an empowered place. In a way, my current approach could also be honoring my inner child - showing her I care enough for her well-being to keep her safe within me until I've changed our environment.

It feels a bit like I'm suppressing part of myself, to approach it this way. I view that as necessary for now, since this upbringing has affected my experience of emotion. I bought a workbook to help me learn skills for managing emotions. I am bringing it with me when I move. (If you're interested, this workbook can come in handy for anyone who experiences overwhelming emotions that impact relationships, regardless of the reason, and is available here.)

While I don't want to suppress my sensitive emotional side, I do think I'm supporting my goal to live elsewhere by doing so. I don't think I have the luxury to collapse into an emotive ball right now. (Honestly, I've not wanted to maintain this blog much, for that reason. But I don't want to run from this insight either.) I think honoring that sensitive side of me will be easier when I'm not living with the inspiration-to-empowerment.

Now I’m off to prepare for my move!

Empowered Action Steps Taken

• Accepted independent contractor position
• Working hard to find an apartment
• Remaining in a place of power
• Playing nice on purpose

Silent but Deadly

Okay, the title is meant to be ironic. My situation is not "deadly" but others who have been through a similar upbringing have reached a fatal outcome. Maybe it's not a good thing to turn suicide into a play on scatological humor, but a sense of humor helps! (Besides, to be perfectly honest, there have been moments where I felt my inner spark and sense of self had been exterminated. Thankfully, I always flow past that.)

Why am I talking in terms of silent but deadly? Because these dynamics often do end up that way ("deadly"), and it's often silent because (1) Emotions are invisible, and (2) In many situations like this, those outside the family - such as "family friends" - would be shocked and disbelieving that such things happen, because the external appearance is so different.

When you experience constant invalidation, when you're always criticized and never praised, you may not even realize how much it's affected you emotionally. You may feel this quiet sense that something's off, and you may just think everyone's family is like this.

Everyone's family is not like this. There are families where you, as the child, are given attention for yourself, not for someone else. There are families where it's okay to have your own unique opinion, perspective, and values.

I'll be honest, sometimes it's difficult not to blame. I recognize the factors that gave birth to this dynamic. This inspiration-to-empowerment (my code name for "abusive influence") is doing the best they can with their resources.

It's still okay if their best wasn't good enough for me to get where I deserve to be. It is okay for me to be angry about that. I am angry at the situation, the family patterns, the history, the behavior, the dysfunction by most standards - and yes, in some moments I'm quite angry with my inspiration-to-empowerment (ITE).

In my family, I was never allowed to feel. My right to feel, if verbalized, was taken away. I was "imagining things" or "making a big deal out of it" and the ITE couldn't see past her defensiveness to grant me the freedom to feel what I was feeling.

In light of that, I'm growing more and more into being okay with feelings. Giving myself permission to feel them. That includes anger. With my talents, I could have been so much more at this stage of my life, if I'd been treated as a human being with unique perceptions and rights. Or treated as something worthy of love and cuddles.


Empowered Action Steps Taken for My Independence*

• Inquired about renting a post office box, since I discovered my ITE goes through my mail and sometimes opens it
• Inquired about multiple job opportunities, brought home applications
• Expanded and strengthened social support
• Contacted two mental health professionals and a "Victims Advocate" to learn about resources
• Scheduled an appointment for free counseling, so I have someone live in the flesh who can help me process this and be the nurturing support that I never got (that's right, never, unless it was incredibly distorted and conditional and manipulative).

*I have decided to keep track of the action steps I take, especially since I have professional training about ways to move away from something like this. It is my hope that by listing these steps, anyone out in the virtual world reading along may get an idea of what you can do, if you're thinking of acting for the joyful life you so richly deserve. You DO deserve it, wherever you are.