I've been working on transforming the relationship, training the inspiration-to-empowerment that has expressed emotionally abusive tendencies. I think this is much easier to do once someone in a situation like this has processed understanding about being in a situation like this.
It is also a way to take back some of our power in the relationship. We really don’t have to simply accept all ways of relating to us. We really do have a valid right to decide what we’ll accept, and with some creativity I believe anyone can find ways to shift patterns in a relationship, no matter how extreme it may seem.
(I say that, but keep in mind we’re all doing the best we can. It is okay to be wherever you’re at on this idea, in this moment. If it doesn’t resonate for you now, no worries. You may wish to bookmark this page or print out the article, to keep it around in case you feel differently one day.)
This blog post will discuss some simple ways to change patterns in relationships, taken from approaches that I’ve successfully used myself, which are backed by lots of “expert” theory on the subject. First off, a little about the process of change in relationships.
Process of Change
Relationships are systems, and they tend to have a status quo - a “way things are done.” This status quo may be very uncomfortable for everyone, but it’s still familiar. It’s what we know. If we introduce change to the system, that will probably create anxiety in every member of the system.
It’s new and different, and most people are not instantly comfortable with new and different unless they have trained their mind to be so. Many people have not trained their minds in that way.
Because introducing a change in the system tends to trigger anxiety in many people, members of that system may not respond with much grace or courtesy. They want their anxiety to go down, RIGHT NOW.
The easiest way they can think of to get that result, is to behave in ways that will encourage you to CHANGE BACK to fit the status quo. If you’re the one who initiates the change, it may feel a bit like you are being punished for it. But what feels, to you, like punishment is actually the other person(s) attempt to relieve the anxiety that comes from facing change.
So, initiate a change in that system, and the system will push to get things back to the way they were. The system often makes it really easy to change back to fitting the status quo, or the system may put great pressure on you to revert.
If you end up going along with these efforts to make you go back to the way things were being done in the relationship, it’s okay. Please don’t beat yourself up over that.
(Wait, that was me invalidating your right to beat yourself up over that. Correction: I would prefer that you not think mean things about yourself if you revert to the status quo when you are pressed to by your environment. But thinking mean things about yourself is a valid option.)
The system makes this stuff difficult, and lots of people don’t get it perfect at first. Largely that’s because it’s one thing to get this stuff intellectually and another thing to have the direct experience.
If you make attempts to change relationship patterns, congratulate yourself for the attempt, regardless of the outcome. It’s HUGE, and it is an accomplishment to even TRY to shift relationship patterns, since this is often uncomfortable business. Let's get to the nitty gritty of changing the pattern.
Draw on Reinforcement and Reward Dynamics
There are different ways to go about shifting the patterns in our relationships. One way that is less emotionally involved is to draw on reinforcement. (If the relationship has created some wonky stuff around emotion, it helps to have an option that brings up less emotion, I think.) Take stock of what actions you like and appreciate and what actions you don’t like and don’t appreciate. Reward behavior you want to continue and don’t reward what you don’t want to continue.
(This does not mean we reduce people to animals – even though people ARE animals ;-) – but people do respond to reinforcement, and that means it's possible to see behavior change in someone else by shifting what we reinforce with attention or response. It is entirely possible to recognize the holistic nature of a person even though we are shifting behavior patterns.)
Shift Your Experience of The Behavior to Strengthen Your Choice in Response
Attention counts as reward in this case. If possible, don’t give any attention to patterns you don’t want to continue, including negative attention. If someone yells at you, and the pattern in the system is “I yell at you so you feel guilty” then expressing signs of feeling guilty rewards the behavior. That means it's reinforced to continue until we change our end of that dynamic. (Before you go thinking mean things about yourself, you might consider how much POWER you have, if that dynamic can change based on what you do.)
While being yelled at is often very uncomfortable, see if there are ways you might distance yourself from the moment. I don’t mean ‘get overwhelmed and go numb’ either. Perhaps when that person yells, see them as a toddler or visualize drawing a moustache on them. Imagine while they yell that their voice sounds like one of the Chipmunks. Tweak your experience of them, in whatever way feels fun for you, to lessen the impact.
Introduce Change Through Clear, Assertive Communication
Then, at some point, once you’ve increased your ability to distance emotionally from the reaction they are pushing for, you might verbalize your preferences clearly and assertively. (Note that it may take a few experiences of the pattern before you feel distanced emotionally, and that's okay.) I don’t recommend saying, “I know you are yelling so I will feel guilty and I’m not gonna!”
But you might say, calmly, “When you yell at me, I feel like we lost the chance to resolve this in a constructive way. I am not comfortable with this current way of dealing with things, and I think we all deserve a more constructive approach. I would appreciate it if we could discuss this in a courteous way.”
Be prepared for a backlash on this. You just introduced change to the system, anxiety will probably go up (for you as well). They may yell louder or try even harder to get the reaction they are wanting.
Keep your eye on the prize.
If you don’t give into their attempts to get you to do things “the way things have always been done” you will see the system change in some way. The system HAS TO CHANGE when we introduce change to it. We throw off the balance so it must correct that in some way.
By framing your response similar to what is suggested above, including “I would appreciate it if [your preference]," you are giving that person the option that will most easily reduce their anxiety. Which means they will feel an inner motivation to choose it, provided you are making it clear that you’re no longer going to respond according to the status quo. (That's why it may help to build up your ability to distance emotionally, since this will make it easier to stick to a decision to change the status quo.)
Be Patient
It may take some time, it may not be until you’re in this kind of situation again for you to see that the system is changing to suit your preference, but it will change. It may even take responding like this to two or three similar interactions, but if you stick to your preferences the system will have to adjust – and by expressing what you would appreciate experiencing instead, you give the system an option that will reduce anxiety more easily.
Most people don’t like increased anxiety, even people with difficult ways of relating to others, and if the system sees that giving into your preference is the fastest way to reduce anxiety, that’s strong motivation to accommodate you.
Show You Still Value the Relationship (Even if You Value it for Reasons Other than Assumed)
One way to make this whole change process smoother, is to demonstrate that you don’t want the relationship to be completely annihilated. (Even if you DO want the relationship to be completely over and done with, if that’s not currently practical for you, I strongly suggest adding in this part.) Introducing change is uncomfortable to the system, and parts of that system may be feeling on some level a great fear that they will be completely rejected. So, how does this part of the process work?
Show the system that you’re not trying to abandon it completely. A little while after you express your preferences, see if there is some way you can authentically demonstrate positive regard. It may be easiest to do this on the same day once people have calmed down a bit, but see if you can find some small way to show you still care about that person and still value the relationship (even if you only value the relationship because it is easier on you to do so right now).
This might mean a genuine thank-you for behavior that fits your preferences, or initiating a discussion on a topic they enjoy, or some other small way to show them that you still value the relationship. Do let some time pass, though, as you might confuse them if you do this in the middle of introducing the change with verbalizing your preferences.
Important: Keep in mind, if you experience someone as difficult, they may be (probably are) hurting in a deep way. We may not know the whole story. They may not be used to positive attention or positive reinforcement, so it's that much more effective to use it. Your bold action may even occur like a crisis to them, so if you do want to (or choose to) keep the relationship in your life for the time being and would like to minimize their efforts to relieve anxiety in a way that sabotages positive progress, I recommend
action to show that person you still value the connection. You can value the connection without accepting behavior that erodes your light. You can value the connection for the benefits YOU get from it. Give attention to what works for you, and show them in some small way that you're not rejecting them outright, but are instead focused on extinguishing the patterns that don't work well for you.
(I don't recommend that you TELL them you are focused on extinguishing patterns that don't work well for you, but you can demonstrate that by rewarding what works for you, communicating directly and calmly to outline what would work better, and minimizing any form of attention you give to behavior you'd like to see less of.)
If you have not experienced success from a more collaborative approach, it is helpful to focus on options like these, which are still win/win (because your goal is not to perpetuate the win/lose pattern) but come from a frame that you have enough power to shift the dynamic -
because you do.
How This Can Work in Practice
I recently used this process in the relationship with my ITE. Anxiety was high as we had a serious discussion, but I thought we did well to continue the discussion in light of how uncomfortable it was for both of us. Since my ITE seems most motivated by feedback that contradicts her self-concept I have been focused on providing authentic feedback in that context – comparing my preferences to “normal behavior of people.” She sees herself as normal so it is effective to keep that in mind.
I have NOT been trying to fix everything. Instead I have been focused on addressing my preferences as they come up, if addressing them seems feasible, because I want to make my remaining time with her as comfortable as possible for ME.
I have also not been doing this when I feel fragile, emotionally. She does not get to see that side of me. At this stage, based on how she has treated it in the past, I don't trust her with it at all. And that's okay, I don't have to. I can focus instead on showing that side of myself to those who will honor it.
After introducing a lot of change, and seeing how finally had a discussion that leans toward a new status quo, I decided to reward the experience by asking her if she’d like to see a movie. This is a good option because it involves minimal talking, and if she has ample time to talk she focuses on expressing a lot of negative energy. I also said clearly from the outset that I don’t want to do a movie and a meal.
I gave strict parameters so she would have to meet me on my own terms if she wanted to interact. (This probably worked because I had previously introduced an anxiety-provoking dynamic in the relationship, withdrawn a lot of attention, and expressed clearly that I am focused on the right to be my own person.) This shows her that I am shaping my own standards in the relationship. She was eager to act on my idea to see a movie. I may be the daughter but I can still decide what is and isn't acceptable to me.
Some of this probably reads a bit cold, doesn’t it? People are people, yes. But sometimes the nitty gritty of shifting behavior calls for tools like this process. Using this process doesn’t mean we discount someone’s humanity. But then again, this process is often most needed as a resource for individuals who have felt dehumanized in relationship.
The process is a bit mechanical but it does work. If Emotion is a touchy subject in your own system, it can help to have tools that don’t involve emotion. If your system doesn’t treat your emotion with care and consideration, perhaps that system hasn’t earned the right to see your emotions. Especially if your emotions have been used to control you.
I have made progress by choosing to regain some of my power in relationship. It’s a bumpy road sometimes, but progress is there. I don’t expect things to be perfect overnight, nor do I expect some of the deeper issues to magically disappear (though I am certainly open to that!).
I do, however, choose to make my remaining time around this person as comfortable for ME as possible. I choose to begin shifting the dynamics, demonstrating that I won’t accept certain behaviors anymore. As I make the system change, I am rewarding things that work for me, so my remaining time around this person will be as harmonious as possible – without betraying myself.
I hope the process described here may work for you, if you choose to shift the patterns in difficult relationships.
