Being in my Power (Suppressing) on Purpose

I have secured a financially lucrative reason to live elsewhere.

*Does a victory dance*

I'm thrilled about it, too. I created it with perfect timing. I've been taking steps to act on my goal of living elsewhere, and I've achieved that goal. On top of that, I am gaining valuable experience in managing stress, as there's so much to do now.

Playing Nice to Support My Goals

One thing I'm not perfectly proud of is the way I have been interacting with my inspiration-to-empowerment. Basically, I'm "playing nice." While I’ve tapped into plenty of assertiveness lately, I’m not speaking up in every situation. But by conscious choice.

Example: She wanted to know which hotel I was staying in, the night before I met my new supervisor. I cringed inside, since this felt like a controlling question. I did not want to answer. But I did not want to make this phase of my life any harder either, so I half-answered.

I plan to act on assertiveness more once I've moved. For now, it is progress to recognize the dynamic, and it was a conscious choice to answer her. I answered after thinking about how I would be making it easier on myself to play nice. Still, I’m not happy about it, and I do plan on speaking up more once I move. Where I go and what I do is my business even if she expects otherwise.

I've wondered if this "playing nice" is confusing the issue. Then again, perhaps it's actually a good idea to minimize conflict until I have more resources to draw from - as cowardly as it might also be, it's also a choice I'm making on purpose. If I didn't have student loans I would explore something like living on a commune. (Readers from similar situations who don't have much financial debt, I would encourage you to consider that kind of option.)

Being Powerful & Competent (Suppressing Emotive Me)

Another thing that I'm not particularly proud of is how I'm handling my emotional side. She's simply not been coming out to play lately. I had a second appointment with a domestic abuse counselor, but I canceled it because I'm moving. The system isn't really set up to help those who experience emotional abuse without physical abuse. Those resources exist, but they are easier to act on if you have health insurance and ample income for working with a therapist.

I've basically put that part of my healing on hold for now, so I can be in the space to act professionally. However, my professional opportunity will likely bring many emotional moments - so I'm viewing that as a chance to retrain my emotional side. Perhaps this income opportunity will open my heart more to other people, and correct for the effects of my early experience.

The System is Changing


Another positive point right now is that my openness and boldness in discussing things with the inspiration-to-empowerment is actually leading to change. She is now very aware that I am STRONGLY determined to succeed as an independent adult, and she is at least creating the impression of honoring that goal.

In short, recent insight about the way I was raised led to a bit of an emotional freakout, and an urgent desire to get away. I was tapping into a sense of being victimized. Now, I am focused on action from an empowered place. In a way, my current approach could also be honoring my inner child - showing her I care enough for her well-being to keep her safe within me until I've changed our environment.

It feels a bit like I'm suppressing part of myself, to approach it this way. I view that as necessary for now, since this upbringing has affected my experience of emotion. I bought a workbook to help me learn skills for managing emotions. I am bringing it with me when I move. (If you're interested, this workbook can come in handy for anyone who experiences overwhelming emotions that impact relationships, regardless of the reason, and is available here.)

While I don't want to suppress my sensitive emotional side, I do think I'm supporting my goal to live elsewhere by doing so. I don't think I have the luxury to collapse into an emotive ball right now. (Honestly, I've not wanted to maintain this blog much, for that reason. But I don't want to run from this insight either.) I think honoring that sensitive side of me will be easier when I'm not living with the inspiration-to-empowerment.

Now I’m off to prepare for my move!

Empowered Action Steps Taken

• Accepted independent contractor position
• Working hard to find an apartment
• Remaining in a place of power
• Playing nice on purpose