Silent but Deadly

Okay, the title is meant to be ironic. My situation is not "deadly" but others who have been through a similar upbringing have reached a fatal outcome. Maybe it's not a good thing to turn suicide into a play on scatological humor, but a sense of humor helps! (Besides, to be perfectly honest, there have been moments where I felt my inner spark and sense of self had been exterminated. Thankfully, I always flow past that.)

Why am I talking in terms of silent but deadly? Because these dynamics often do end up that way ("deadly"), and it's often silent because (1) Emotions are invisible, and (2) In many situations like this, those outside the family - such as "family friends" - would be shocked and disbelieving that such things happen, because the external appearance is so different.

When you experience constant invalidation, when you're always criticized and never praised, you may not even realize how much it's affected you emotionally. You may feel this quiet sense that something's off, and you may just think everyone's family is like this.

Everyone's family is not like this. There are families where you, as the child, are given attention for yourself, not for someone else. There are families where it's okay to have your own unique opinion, perspective, and values.

I'll be honest, sometimes it's difficult not to blame. I recognize the factors that gave birth to this dynamic. This inspiration-to-empowerment (my code name for "abusive influence") is doing the best they can with their resources.

It's still okay if their best wasn't good enough for me to get where I deserve to be. It is okay for me to be angry about that. I am angry at the situation, the family patterns, the history, the behavior, the dysfunction by most standards - and yes, in some moments I'm quite angry with my inspiration-to-empowerment (ITE).

In my family, I was never allowed to feel. My right to feel, if verbalized, was taken away. I was "imagining things" or "making a big deal out of it" and the ITE couldn't see past her defensiveness to grant me the freedom to feel what I was feeling.

In light of that, I'm growing more and more into being okay with feelings. Giving myself permission to feel them. That includes anger. With my talents, I could have been so much more at this stage of my life, if I'd been treated as a human being with unique perceptions and rights. Or treated as something worthy of love and cuddles.


Empowered Action Steps Taken for My Independence*

• Inquired about renting a post office box, since I discovered my ITE goes through my mail and sometimes opens it
• Inquired about multiple job opportunities, brought home applications
• Expanded and strengthened social support
• Contacted two mental health professionals and a "Victims Advocate" to learn about resources
• Scheduled an appointment for free counseling, so I have someone live in the flesh who can help me process this and be the nurturing support that I never got (that's right, never, unless it was incredibly distorted and conditional and manipulative).

*I have decided to keep track of the action steps I take, especially since I have professional training about ways to move away from something like this. It is my hope that by listing these steps, anyone out in the virtual world reading along may get an idea of what you can do, if you're thinking of acting for the joyful life you so richly deserve. You DO deserve it, wherever you are.